Los pantalones son azules

It seems that lawsuits are being handed out left and right these days. Between Best Buy, Comcast, Microsoft, Britney Spears, and Roger Clemens, lawyers everywhere are rejoicing more than Billy Madison on nudey magazine day.

As if Best Buy hasn’t experienced enough grief lately regarding its Geek Squad technicians getting caught stealing porn from its customers, the consumer electronics retailer is now being sued by a Washington, D.C., woman for $54 million after her laptop went missing. The $54 million seems astronomical for a laptop that was originally purchased for only $1100, but the plaintiff is quick to admit that the number was intended to bring attention to her case and expose Best Buy’s carelessness in not informing her in a timely manner that her laptop, containing her personal data, tax information, and irreplaceable photos, had disappeared. In a time where everyone is concerned about identity theft, Best Buy’s negligence theoretically could put the woman’s identity in danger. Speaking of IDs, if you need a fake one, leave your love ones at home.



Meanwhile, Comcast is facing its own legal issues, after allegations of internet traffic discrimination were brought to the table. Very rarely do you hear about discrimination suits not involving people, but the internet services provider is now facing a class action lawsuit for prioritizing their customer’s internet traffic, giving precedence to web surfing and curbing peer-to-peer file sharing applications.

But no one is being hit harder than Microsoft. On top of the possible $1.4 billion fine that the European Commission is trying to levy against Microsoft for trying to monopolize the Internet market by abusing its dominance of the PC market, the software giant is now facing a class action suit that claims consumers were falsely led into purchasing desktops and laptops that were supposedly “Windows Vista Capable”.



The suit claims that consumers were mislead into purchasing certain products were only powerful enough to run the Vista Home Basic edition which doesn’t contain some of the feature that are highly touted with Vista’s marketing. Unless consumers did their research and understood what each version offered, they didn’t know any better. They were put at the same disadvantage as someone who doesn’t speak Spanish.

"You have a lot of middle names...."

Facing a shrinking market share of PC and server sales, Dell has recently revealed plans to revamp their customer support by adding two higher-level support packages: ProSupport for IT professionals and ProSupport for End Users. This ProSupport offering will give Dell customers an improved support experience by providing them with 24x7 access to expert technicians, the ability to expedite replacement parts and labor, and support for select third party software and hardware vendors, to name a few.

I’ve had to call Dell numerous times in the past, for clients, myself, family, and friends. Whenever I call for a client, I get Dell’s Business or Enterprise level support and I almost always get a knowledgeable technician that sees my issue through resolution. When calling for myself, family, or friends, I get the Dell Home technicians and it is complete night and day. Their solutions are always the same, no matter what the problem is. Fan’s broken? Video card shot?

Step 1: Format your hard drive, reinstall Windows, and call us back.
Step 2: You’re still having the same problem and now all your documents, music, and pictures are gone because you formatted your hard drive? Okay, we’ll send the replacement part.



Dell Home isn’t alone though. A good number of hardware and software vendors have this same lackadaisical “read-from-a-script” support. Take Microsoft for example. If you’re calling afterhours for an emergency, get ready to fork over $515. For what? This.



Dell and Microsoft are just two of a large number of companies that outsource their call centers to India. Even NBC’s help desk is located overseas. When a writer on Late Night with Conan O’Brien had a problem with his computer, he called Tech Support and documented the escapade. Before you comment, I know it’s fake, but it’s still funny.



As long as there are computers, users will always have problems. It’s what keeps technicians and engineers employed. Sure it gets frustrating sometimes when end users don’t give you the complete story and preface their stories with “I didn’t do anything” or “it just happened” but that’s what separates good support from bad support. A good support tech will decrypt the user’s stories and find out what really happened, on their way to fixing the issue and making the user’s day.

And remember, computer operators and substance abusers are the only people that are referred to as users. Coincidence?

"I love to touch their thumbs...."

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day and you could feel the love everywhere. Even Gary Coleman got in on the action, secretly getting married the other day and, no, he didn’t marry David Hasselhoff.



So with all this love in the air, why were there also so many breakups? I’m talking about breakups in the tech industry. Could this be the second coming of the Valentine’s Day Massacre? You decide.

Starbucks vs. T-Mobile
After years of partnering with T-Mobile to bring Wi-Fi inhouse for its customers, Starbucks is cutting ties with the mobile network operator in favor of a new partnership with AT&T. This translates into cheaper Wi-Fi (first two hours are free for Starbucks card holders) that helps Starbucks compete with the smaller coffee shops that lure customers in by providing them with free internet access. It also helps AT&T take advantage of Starbucks’s presence and deliver a huge blow to T-Mobile, one of their biggest competitors. Starbucks wins and AT&T wins, but T-Mobile gets kicked to the curb, hurt worse than O.J. Simpson’s girlfriend after her “fall.”

Microsoft vs. Yahoo
Microsoft’s recent attempt to acquire Yahoo was rejected by the Internet services company, after Yahoo’s board of directors decided the proposal substantially undervalued the search engine’s worth. This dealt a huge blow to Microsoft’s strategic hopes of gaining significant leverage in order to compete with one of its biggest rivals, Google. With Yahoo already way behind in its own rivalry with Google, was it really smart for them to turn down this partnership? Maybe I don’t understand all the regulations and financials behind the rejection, but I think Yahoo is crazier than Celine Dion talking about her upcoming tour.



Dell vs. AMD
Dell has decided to stop using AMD processors in many of their computers, causing some concern at the AMD camp that they could lose traction with Intel, the leading brand in processors. While Dell claims they adjust their product offerings constantly and are “committed to the AMD product line,” it’s causing a stir on the Internet. Dell will continue primarily using AMD processor for their business, government and educational offerings, but will turn to Intel for the majority of its home and home office products. While the consumer base makes up only 20% of Dell’s sales, one can’t help but wonder how this will affect AMD’s sales in the long run.

Polaroid vs. its roots
The instant film photography pioneer is closing its doors to the technology that put them on the map, turning its focus onto flat-panel TVs and digital photography. It’s kind of sad whenever a long standing company like this gets run out by newer technologies, especially when their name becomes synonymous with the products they sell, like Xerox and Kleenex. I feel almost as bad for them as I do for Jodee Berry.



Don’t let all these breakups and bad blood going around this week bring you down. To make sure you go into the weekend with a smile on your face, I leave you with yet another picture of the Hoff. Happy Valentine's Day.

Shaq-Fu: Enforcer of Justice

I recently found out that, after twelve years, they’re making a sequel to Duke Nukem 3D, cleverly titled Duke Nukem Forever, for Xbox and PlayStation 3. I remember playing the original when I was much younger and spending countless hours in front of my computer playing with my friend through a dial-up connection. Obviously I was pretty cool back in the day, almost as cool as this woman.



Fortunately for me, I’ve outgrown that phase and have my sights set on bigger and better things. I'm talking about Mario Kart for Nintendo Wii, expected to be released in six months.

Why my sudden interest in video games? My brother bought my dad a Wii about a year ago so that he could play Tiger Woods Golf on it, but he never did. So, I decided to steal it and I’ve since been on an all-out hunt for games. Spending almost an hour in Best Buy, I settled on these three gems.



Just kidding. As terrible as those games look, I don’t think it gets any worse than this.



Speaking of Shaquille O’Neal, I couldn’t be happier about the trade that just sent him to the Suns, possibly setting up another Lakers-Suns playoff matchup. Why? Because Kobe Bryant is #21 on the mancrush list. The only reason he is so low is because of the whole rape scandal. And speaking of rapists, has anyone seen anyone that resembles this sketch? Wait a second….



A news reporter reporting on himself is almost as weird as a sign warning you about itself:

Place your Superbowl bets

Only two more days until the Superbowl. Though not everyone will be interested in the game itself, everyone will undoubtedly be curious about the commercials and the halftime show. We can only hope this year’s halftime show is better than these past debacles:









So, in the spirit of one of the biggest gambling weekends of the year, I thought I’d put up some lines on the Superbowl in relation to some of GURU’s staff. For example, if you had to take the over/under on how many slots Jeremy Shockey moves up on my mancrush list when I see him on the sidelines in his street clothes, would you say more or less than six slots. He’s currently #12.


One of the saddest moments of my life.

On to the lines. Bets are now being accepted for the following over/under scenarios:

Number of players on the current Patriots roster that Nick Zarzycki drafts for his fantasy football team next year: +/- 4.

Number of Clay Aiken songs Jenn Adams downloads from iTunes during the game: +/- 2.


Jenn wishes she was Rueben right now.

Number of times Ethan Smith cleans his rims during the halftime show: +/- 1.

Number of times a Macbook Air commercial runs before Sasha Strickland goes online and orders one: +/- 2.


That's not an apple logo, it's Sasha's drool.

Number of quarters Jeremy Tucker watches before he gets bored and starts playing online poker: +/- 2.

Number of times Jorge Diaz gets up to change Micah’s diaper during the game: +/- ½.


When Micah understands this, Jorge will be one happy father.

Number of players Sakita Withers knows on either team, despite winning the GURU Fantasy Football League last year: +/-2.

Number of times Ahmad Mando will claim that the Eagles are better than the Giants: +/- 8.


I guess the McNabbs travel in covered wagons. Mrs. McNabb will die of dysentery.

Number of times a hobo breaks into Scott Burlington’s house during the Superbowl: +/- ½.

Number of times Viral Mehta changes the channel to One Tree Hill: +/- 3.


I really wish I had a picture of Viral that I could photoshop into there.

Total number of yards Paul Locander would get if he was selected to do the Punt/Pass/Kick Challenge: +/- 26.

Number of those yards acquired through the Pass portion: +/- 12.