"Rosie O'Donnell is disgusting...."

The weekend is almost here which means two things: the GURU Holiday Party (belated, we know) and the NFL playoffs. Special shoutout to Sakita Withers for scheduling our party when the Jaguars play the Patriots. As the reigning 2007 GURU Fantasy Football champion (see results below), I like to think I’m the in-house football expert. In my picks last weekend, I was 4-0. Of course, my predictions weren’t documented anywhere, so you’ll just have to take my word for it. Due to my swami-like football knowledge, I decided to put together an unofficial GURU guide to this weekend’s matchups. And by “unofficial”, I mean, if you bet on my predictions and lose, GURU will not be held accountable.

Seattle at Green Bay (Saturday, 4:30 PM). “We want the ball and we’re going to score.” If there’s one thing I know about trash talking in sports, it’s that whenever you guarantee something, the opposite is going to happen. That statement by Seahawks quarterback, Matt Hasselbeck, upon winning the overtime coin toss in the 2004 playoffs against Green Bay, proved to be the dagger in their playoff run, as one of his passes was picked off and run back for a touchdown. Three years later, Hasselbeck attempts to get the monkey off his back as he faces the Packers once again. If the Seahawks lose, Brett Favre is going to retire before Hasselbeck gets another shot and Green Bay will be hurling Donald Trump-to-Rosie O’Donnell-type insults to Hasselbeck for the rest of his career.



Unfortunately for Hasselbeck, this is Favre’s year and he’s going to take the Packers to the Super Bowl, where they’ll eventually lose to whoever comes out of the AFC. Pick: Green Bay.

Jacksonville at New England (Saturday, 8:00 PM) – I hate everything in Boston except for two things: clam chowder and Randy Moss. I’ve been a Vikings fan my entire life and Moss has been my favorite player since 1998. He’s the biggest playmaker in the league and he draws the attention of every defender. As much as I hate New England, this game isn’t going to be close. The Jaguars are going to be embarrassed more than this Polish man that went to a brothel and saw his wife working there. Pick: New England.

San Diego at Indianapolis (Sunday, 1:00PM) – Watching Colts backup quarterback Jim Sorgi play the last regular season game was like when you go to a basketball game and they pick someone out of the crowd to shoot a half-court shot at halftime. You root for them but it's unbearable to watch. Speaking of half-court shots....



Fortunately for the Colts, Peyton Manning has had a week off and is undoubtedly antsy to play and defend his Superbowl title. Pick: Indianapolis.

NY Giants at Dallas (Sunday, 4:30PM) – This is my upset special for two reasons. In my other fantasy football league, I had Eli Manning starting at QB for me. There were at least two weeks where he gave me negative points, including the championship game. I overcame his terrible performances, week after week, and still won the league. Well, my fantasy football team was like the real life Giants. Eli’s terrible, but the team will find a way to win. Eli is like Jan Brady. The older sibling gets all the attention and you feel bad for him for two minutes before you remember how terrible he is. The only difference between Eli and Jan is that when Jan threw a football, it actually hit her target.

Fortunately for Eli, his Dallas counterpart, Tony Romo, is under the public eye and he’s got the dark cloud of Jessica Simpson looming over his head. Her movie, Blonde Ambition, which was shown in eight Texas theaters, grossed $1,190 opening weekend. That’s not a typo; that’s how much Texans hate her right now. And that will be nothing compared to what she’ll experience if the Cowboys lose. If they lose, Dallas fans will hate Jessica Simpson more than Homer hates Ned Flanders, more than Marcy hates Al Bundy, and more than Uncle Jesse hates Kimmy Gibbler.



That’s a lot of pressure for Romo and experience tells us that he does not hold up well under pressure. In last year’s playoffs, he fumbled the snap on a game-winning field goal attempt that ended their playoff run. Put your money on Jan Brady. Pick: New York.

GURU 2007 Fantasy Football Results
1st place: Jeff Hsii
2nd place: Paul Locander
3rd place: Sakita Withers and Rich Bird
4th place: Nick Zarzycki
5th place: Chris Meagher
6th place: Jorge Diaz
7th place: Jeremy Tucker
8th place: Jeff Biehl
9th place: Ahmad Mando and Paul Xu
10th place: Prashant Wilson